July 4, 2012
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uncertain again…
Near midnight I slip outside, silently as a cat so I won’t disturb the children or the neighbors. It’s fairly quiet, with only the rare whine and pop of the occasional bottle rocket, followed by distant barking dogs. I look skyward at the silvery orb that is the moon and it’s glow lights my face and casts my shadow behind me. My racing heart calms and my mind becomes clear as glass, still and quiet. This is what peace feels like. In my hands I carry the burden that I’ve harbored for weeks. It’s time to send it away, and evaluate my feelings.
I light a candle, and begin to pray… for myself this time. A novel idea, for usually the prayers are for others. It feels odd praying for myself, asking for guidance, but that’s only because I do it so rarely. It’s comforting, praying outdoors, because I don’t feel disconnected. I’m one with the earth, barefoot in the grass, one of the blessed creatures, equally beautiful, valuable, common. My prayers float up on gossamer strands, quiet and sincere requests. All are heard, some will be granted. Reply is not required. I pray until the well is empty.
I become aware of my hands. It’s time to send the burden away. I kneel and prepare the fire, and the pieces of L’s card flare, turning slowly to ash. I gaze into the flames, but there is only dancing gold to compliment the silvery glow of the moon. Eventually, golden specks chase each other, little fire creatures, working their way through the bits of my burden. I watch them until they disappear. Before I slip back inside, I look at the moon again, “What will become of me?” The moon glows…silent.
Angel me follows me to my room. She looks concerned, “Do you feel any better?” She didn’t like me holding onto the pieces of L’s card, “You shouldn’t have kept her card so long. Burning it under a pure moon. As if that will make L go away?” Devil me answers for me, “Don’t be ridiculous! Of course, L isn’t going anywhere. She knows that. Burning the card is only symbolic….” I nod, then leave them both to debate while I shower.
They’ve taken their discussion somewhere else when I emerge from the bathroom. I don night clothes, kiss the children goodnight, and give in to sleep. There are no dreams, just a void, welcome. I wake feeling empty and new, odd but at peace.
Devil me hands me a cup of coffee, “You look like you slept well. No dreams?” I shake my head, “The pain is gone, but my heart feels strange today.” I sip my coffee. She sighs, “The strange feeling means that you’ve changed your mind about participating in these games with D. You know you can’t win. You no longer care, and you are supposed to meet him tonight.”
“I haven’t heard from him. He likely went out with L yesterday. He’s likely spending the day with her today,” my eyes are neutral, “You’re right about the game losing it’s appeal. I should break off the date, stay home. I could tell him that he should take L since he loves her so.” Devil me tilts my face to hers so she can see my eyes and murmurs, “There’s no anger, no tears….Have you disentangled him from your heart?” I shake my head, “I don’t know. Maybe.”
I send him a text to inquire about plans. He responds that I should come over at 6:30. I look up, “He’s likely with L. I should go over early.” She looks shocked, then giggles. I giggle, too, then I remember something and it widens my eyes for a moment before sending me into gales of laughter. Angel me pokes my arm and smiles at Devil me, “It’s not THAT funny.” I wipe a tear from my eye, “Oh, yes it is!” They both manage to look amused and confused at the same time while I try to compose myself. Finally, I blurt out, “My earrings! I left my earrings on his dresser! If L stopped by then there was evidence that a woman was in his bedroom! Hope she finds them before he did.” I don’t care about the earrings, they’re cheap crap that he picked up for me on one of our outings. If I lose them, it doesn’t matter. If it gets him into hot water, then I can’t think of a more deserving person.
Angel me looks disgusted, “I thought you’d turned a corner, you cruel thing.” Devil me laughs with me before asking, “You’re going to go with him, aren’t you? Just to be a fly in the ointment.” I nod, “It’s just a game. It’s nearly over. Besides when I disappear from his life, he’ll never find me. I promise to leave it be when I know I’ve won.”
“When do you know if you’ve won?” the voice comes from within, “Because I don’t know that anyone will win this game. I say cut your losses, disappear while you can. Clean break.”
What I should do….
Comments (2)
They may be “the disjointed ramblings of a woman who is losing her marbles”, but that is why it’s so good. It’s what made Anne Sexton and Sylvia Plath such great writers.
Do you think he’s strong? He’s not. That’s why he cheats. He can keep everyone at an arms length from him. If he divides his heart among more than one woman, part of it is always safe at any given point in time, if that makes sense. He’s very insecure at his core. Stringing multiple girls along builds a false confidence. He is too afraid to commit to anyone because that would open himself to the possibility that he can be hurt. He can’t let that happen. Those of us who cheat use sentiment and romance to make it seem like we are complete human beings. We aren’t. So you will never have him completely no matter what you do. You have two options. You can either leave, or you can try to flip the script on him.
Leaving earrings is a bad idea. It lets him know that he has you in his grips. He would have checked everything over before she came over anyway. You need to shake his confidence. If he wants to make plans with you, say you can’t go, but you need an excuse that seems like it would be more fun than hanging out with him. You can’t show him up though. Be mellow and apologetic. It will hurt his feelings. He may even get passive aggressive and blow you off on purpose another time. Never react in a bad way when he does things to upset you. You need to genuinely seem like you putting him on the back burner, but not in a spiteful way at all. If you do it right, you will see that he is weak, and his weakness will be extremely unattractive and you won’t want him anymore. He will chase you around. It will be too late.
@forsakenchild - I know. He’s likely back with L now. If not then he’s with his “fair weather friends”. I made the decision long ago…If he walked away next time, then I’d quietly walk away. For about 24 hours it looked like he might be interested, but I was mistaken.