June 16, 2013
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fishing…
I responded honestly to his email. I’m sick. I’m returning to the clinic for more medications. I’ll call the urologist on Monday. I tell him that maybe we can see each other sometime on Saturday. Then I slip away.
When I check in to the social networking site later, to let my friends know that I’m not inflicted with plague or something dire, he’s on it like a duck on a June bug. Unloading the fishing trip with his brother-in-law, such a failure that they stop by the fish market and buy fish to grill. There’s newly dredged concern – DEEP CONCERN – for my sinuses, lungs and my right kidney. Apparently, this has to do with me being his GIRLFRIEND. I snort laughter, then cough up phlegm. Girlfriend indeed!
I cock an eyebrow at the screen and tell him about my nasal spray and antibiotic, “I’m also supposed to take Mucinex for the cement-like snot I’m producing in generous amounts.”
He outlines his entire workweek schedule, then offers to take me on the motorcycle. I shudder and type that we should check the weather. It’s a weak shot to be certain, but he needn’t know my real plans. I’m spending the day with my sons, then I’ll stop over to see the photos and let him go on about his trip. I’ll break up with him, go celebrate with a drink at Bru’s. He can drive that motorcycle up his ass for all I care.
If I have to be lonely, at least I won’t be tied to someone and be lonely.
He comes back with alternate plans – he’ll take me to the movies or bowling if it’s raining. No, I say to myself, you won’t be taking me anywhere anymore. I abruptly log off without a word because I really don’t want to talk to him. I’m tired of being a second or third thought. I’ll avoid checking in for most of the week. I on call for 2 days, so it will be easy to stay scarce.
Sometimes, it all feels mean, but I remind myself that he’s not been kind to me. Besides, I’m not attacking him or cutting him down, not to his face or in public. I’m just leaving because I’m not getting my needs met and he’s never around. One vacation in years – and it’s ruined because he is upset that I got a kidney stone. He was nasty to me then, and that still bothers me. I really don’t need that shit. The breakup itself should be a relief to him. He’s happier with everyone else anyway. Why should he stay with me if he doesn’t want to be around me or if I make him unhappy? That’s ridiculous. I traveled that path with H and it was hell. I have no desire to revisit that trail.
