June 15, 2013
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deja vu…
The pain spread across my back, gnawing at me. I assumed it was fatigue from working back to back 12-hour shifts, and call. I looked at my workshoes, the soles were showing a little wear, but the toes were scuffed and worn. Could it be a matter of needing a new pair of shoes? I wondered when I bought them. They had to be at least a year old. Still. I commented to a colleague that my back pain was worsening. I held my right flank. The pain became colicky, and it dawned on me that this wasn’t a case of back pain.
Another kidney stone.
I didn’t leave work, but I did park my ass at the desk. I toyed with the idea of heading to the emergency department, but ended up staying. I became very tired. V gave me a pained look when he asked me to set up the case I had just booked. I scrubbed in and set up the back table for N. We ended up opening three trays in search of the instrument the doctor needed. I shook my head at N. P scolded us for opening so many trays, but we argued that trays that were missing necessary instruments needed to be put right.
When I left, I picked my way gingerly through the tunnel. There have been plenty of disturbingly large dead cockroaches littering the concrete floor since the rains arrived. Tonight I see a live one, so big that I can see him drinking water that’s leaked from a condensate return pipe. He’s glossy and fat, and I walk carefully by him. He doesn’t run. I ease myself into my car, and drive away, wincing at every bump in the road.
D was out with the fair weathers, at a filthy little spiderhole of a bar in the worst part of town. Two of the guys from a local band he follows are “celebrity bartending”, only it isn’t really a proper bar, and they aren’t celebrities. They’re trying to raise money so that one of their members can get a plane ticket to Tennessee where he has the chance to be a studio musician for a slightly better known band there. These are all guys in their 30s, so it baffles me why they couldn’t just pass the hat and raise the funds. Of course, the fair weathers are a notoriously cheap bunch, so that may explain something. I listened to one of their covers on youTube. It had about 40 views, and the guitarist was pretty good. I guess he’s the one who is heading to Tennessee.
D had returned from the motorcycle trip, and put me off again because his sister and brother-in-law were visiting. I shrugged. Breaking up with him could certainly wait. I wondered if he had visitors at all, but it didn’t matter. I logged long days at work, contracted strep throat, and stayed in. It got weird with J. He stopped speaking to me. I wasn’t certain what that was about, but I didn’t give it much thought at the time.
Then it dawned on me. None of the people who went on the motorcycle trip were all that warm and fuzzy anymore. My first thought, had I SAID or DONE something to cause an entire group to pull away? I tried to remember when they had last been friendly, and realized that was BEFORE the wedding. I searched through prior posts and status updates, notes and replies. I couldn’t find anything amiss. It occurred to me that D had been busy bad-mouthing me. He’d probably been doing it for a long time.
The loneliness, the constant exclusion, the abandonment….had all left me feeling sad and like the odd man out. It had hurt to see the photos of them all having a grand time in a beautiful place. I searched my heart to find the reason, but Angel me interrupted, “You felt left out because he had mentioned on numerous occasions that he wouldn’t enjoy a trip like that unless you were with him. It was another lie, but you believed him. Now, that he did go at the 11th hour and had a grand time, you see the truth. He didn’t want you there at all.” It was the lies that hurt the most. There were so many lies.
He sent me a note telling me that he wished he was squeezing me. I changed the subject, and talked about something else.
I rehearsed my break up speech every day. I made it a point to stay away. When plans changed on Saturday, I didn’t call him to let him know that things had fallen through. Instead, I made new plans. I didn’t even check in with him.
I’m breaking up with the asshole, after all. That can wait until next weekend.
As for the others, I spent a little time looking in at them, but I found that I was happy to be on the outside. I didn’t have to be on the inside, part of their group. I wouldn’t lose anything by losing them. People change. Maybe I’ve changed.
He already said that he’d never take me on a trip ever again, in fact, he hadn’t wanted to take me to on vacation in April (even though the whole thing was his idea). I can’t really get excited about seeing the hundreds of photos he took of a place I’ll never travel to with him or anyone else. I don’t want to have dinner with him or chat over a cocktail. I certainly don’t want to have sex with him. Why have sex with someone who only gives it up once or twice a month?
I want to find someone who wants me around. I want someone who wants to hold my hand in public, and steal kisses in the alley. I want someone who plays footsies under the table no matter if he’s paying the tab. I want someone who holds my face when he kisses me. I want someone who wants to travel with me, who wants to introduce me to his friends, who wants to meet my friends. I want someone who can’t help but to want me inside his heart because he loves me. I want someone who remembers my birthday and who makes plans to celebrate it with me. I want someone who makes me the priority sometimes, not always, but sometimes.
There are too many rules with D. He can’t take me around his friends or ours. He can’t tell me the truth about anywhere he goes. He always leaves me behind to go with the fair weathers, to go on vacations, to go hang out with friends. I’m never welcome. He’s only good to me on his terms, under his roof…when we are alone.
I don’t think it will be hard to walk away this time. I really need to walk away for good.
He’ll never miss me.
