April 12, 2013
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not feeling it…
I text D. He replies, buoyant and happy. He’s thrilled to have me back in his life. He acts as if I never really left. Bustling about, he tries to make up for the months I’ve been absent. He doesn’t see that I’m more reserved than ever. I don’t talk much, allowing him to fill the room with anecdotes and stories, and responding with a nod. I feel like a stranger. I tell myself that I can’t love this time, that it’s only a physical thing now.
I’m lonely. D is better than nothing.
It shows in my face, because I can’t hide pain well. When he asks me about it I wave it away, “Just preoccupied with stuff at work…or at home.” I leave the room often because I’m truly at a loss. There is no peace when I’m with D. He feels like a burden now, and I’m not comfortable visiting him. I sit in the driveway for long minutes debating with myself, “Should I go in, or leave?”
He has no idea that I feel this way. As I back off, he rallies, taking a few weeks off work – devoted to spending time with me. He wants to take a trip. I have no call or work on the weekends. I toss out weak excuses. He tells me that this weekend he can’t see me. Ahhhhh. That old familiar refrain…is it the fair weathers, or a weekend trip with L? I shake my head, send out feelers. He hasn’t been obvious so I vote for weekend with L. I feel pretty shitty about the whole thing, but he offers to take me out for sushi on Sunday night. I lie to him, “I won’t know until Sunday if I can come over. I tentatively push for an earlier time, but he’s firm.
Because his plans are always more important than time with me.
I need to get the electronics straightened out. I’ll stick around long enough for that to happen. Once that’s done, I believe I’ll slip away for good.
Because I don’t love him, and I know he doesn’t love me.
I track our times together. I plan on doing that for the next month or two. It’s ammunition, of course. Damning.
I can’t figure out why I need tangible proof that he sees me infrequently.
