March 31, 2013
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another chance…
“You’re an idiot,” she reminds me, “I can’t believe you fell for his lies again…AGAN!” Angle me paces and snarls. I sit on the couch, forlorn and sore from sex.
D lured me back. I tell myself that it’s just for sex, that it’s for nothing more than a booty call.
He tells me that he’s got a confession to make, that he’s told his coworkers about his girlfriend….I nod knowingly and interrupt, “You’re back with L…I know…” He looks horrified, “NO! I told them I was dating YOU, a surgery nurse from _____hospital!” Oops. Good thing I didn’t mention the 8 pounds of L’s hair in the bathroom sink.
I blow him off, waving his confession away like so much bullshit. Why the hell would he tell people he was dating me when I was barely speaking to him for the last three months? He’s an odd bird, but I don’t believe a word he says. He’ll get busy with the fair weathers, with his real girlfriend. I slip away, an empty kiss serves as goodbye. I drive away, pretending not to see him wave from his front door.
Angel me seethes from the passenger seat, “Is it worth it? You’ll get hurt again! You know he doesn’t care a bit about you!” My jaw clenches, but I can’t reply. I feel empty and sad. Even if it’s only for sex alone, this will do nothing but leave me feeling bad about myself. I lamely state, “It’s not my finest moment…” She snorts in disgust and turns away.
Devil me takes me to task for my sins and shortcomings, “I can’t wait to see what he tries next to get you to stay.” I assure her that he doesn’t really give a shit if I stick around or not, but she’s not buying it either.
I’m beginning to wonder if I’m wrong, and I get my answer soon enough. D pesters me to come over and stay overnight. He wants to wake up next to me, “Bring the dog so you don’t have to leave early.” I chide him one too gently for lying about his Saturday. He insists that he’s spending it with his sister and brother in law, but I know he’s RSVP’d to a party with the fair weathers. He tells me that his brother in law’s father has passed away. It’s too much. I call him out, and tell him not to tell fables about a death in the family just to go out with friends. He’s indignant, calls off our plans.
I toss a viper in his lap, “Suit yourself. I was going to f*** you senseless for your birthday. Looks like you’ll be senseless without the f***ing. No need to get pissy because I call you out for telling a whopper to hang out with your friends. I could give the tiniest shit who you pass the time of day with, just don’t feed me some line about me being your ‘girlfriend’ and then never spend any time with me. I can easily make other plans. Good night.”
Devil me giggles, but it’s my turn to be disgusted, “They have ‘events’ 9 days a week and he can’t possibly miss one to spend some time with me. I told you he didn’t give a shit.” I log off the computer with a sigh.
The next afternoon when I log on again I see that he’s replied. I respond to other emails first because I can’t handle his crap yet. His tone is different, “I don’t know what to do here,” he explains that his sister and brother in law have fallen ill and decided not to visit. The convenience of it is too much for me to handle so I laugh until I’m mopping tears. He continues to panic, and that makes me laugh harder. He sounds like Chicken Little running around declaring that the sky is falling. He proclaims that he wants me to come over, but he fears that I don’t believe him.
I don’t.
I look at the time he sent the email. It’s been nearly 24 hours. I tell him that I’ll meet him.
I end up taking him out to dinner for his birthday. He tells me about working outside up the coast, that’s why he’s sunburned. I dryly point out his sunburned legs, and say that I know he was with the fair weathers at their party. Then I make it a point to turn away and shake my head when he tries to bullshit further. I raise a hand to wave it away, “You don’t wear shorts to work. How stupid do you think I am?”
I stay overnight, and that proves to be the wrong decision. He proclaims his love for me, burns more music, calls me his girlfriend, proposes that we go on trips together….He delays my leaving by hours. He wants me to bring my laptop and iPod to the house next weekend. I let my guard down, tell him Saturday is busy…plans with the kids all day. Sunday will work.
I send a tentative text today. Happy Monday. Thank you for a lovely weekend. What time can I come over on Sunday? Oh, not before afternoon. Definitely after lunch. Angel me pokes me in the ribs, mouthing the same question that occurs to me: Is L staying overnight this weekend? I tell myself that he could have other plans, but it all sounds hollow – because I don’t believe him….I’ll never believe him, even though his sister posts an apology on his social network page, “So sorry that we weren’t able to come down this time but we were so sick that the only choice was to head home”. I don’t feel a need to acknowledge that he wasn’t lying about that, and when Devil me cocks an eyebrow I shrug and say, “He was lying about the rest of it. Let him stew.”
I don’t realize how unhappy I look until a colleague stops me in the hallway, “Are you okay? You look so sad!” I nod, “I’m okay, just tired.”
I think I’ll let him help me with the computer and the iPod, so that I won’t have to ask for help. Then I think I need to slip away for good this time. It’s never easy but it’s never going to be good, so I can’t stay.
It already hurts. The real thing wouldn’t hurt like this.
