June 24, 2012
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restless tonight…
It all sinks in, and I begin to watch the clock. Angel me chides me softly, “Breathe, sweetie. Monday is far away.”
It’s not far enough, and my heart fluttters alarmingly. I don’t know that I can pull this dinner off. It’s going to be nerve wracking for certain. Devil me tells me that she would opt out and take D somewhere cheap, “That’s what he deserves! You’ve been too nice. You should have ripped him one, publically, so that everyone knows he’s an asshole. I shake my head, “I just want to fade away and dissapear.”
“You can’t do that,” cautions Angel me, “Too many people perruse your page!.” I nod, because she’s right, but eventually I will disappear anyway. I’ve promised a few that I’d let them know where I’ve gone, but they don’t seem interested in following me…so the list dwindles smaller. Angel me looks alarmed, but I wave her fears away. What difference would it make if D never finds me again, “He loves L. He forgets me when I’m out of sight. Honey, I’m nothing. He just wants an expensive dinner.”
I decide that after dinner, I’ll drive him home on the pretext that he can change clothes. and wait outside I’ll not enter his house, because I’m not going to ever be welcome. I’m actively debating with myself….should I wait for him or should I leave. If I leave, I’ll text him, plead a headache and say that I’m sorry that he disapproved of the restaurant and wanted only to fuck and sleep following it all.
The next text arrives. He’s had a change of heart. He wants me to sleep at his place. He’ll just not leave me out of his sight. That’s fine, of course. It’s still the end.
It’s all good, because freedom is mine.
