January 30, 2012

• walking away…

  It’s easier now.  I head over and we kiss and it’s comfortable and familiar.  He grills porterhouse steaks while I make salad.  We eat, talk, drink cocktails.  We spend some time in the hot tub.  We watch a really great movie. 

  It sounds mundane, but it isn’t.  He wanted to go somewhere, but the forecast was poor for the entire southern part of the state.  We cuddle.  He’s happy to have me there.  He devotes all time to my pleasure.  It’s not something that I demand or require, but it’s sweet to see him so attentive. 

  I wonder if this is part of the New Year’s deal. 

  He blows off a funeral to spend time with me.  I told him that I didn’t mind if he went, because I understand, but he shakes his head.  He’s talked to the survivor on the phone.  She’s a “good friend”.  As he spins the tale I realize that she’s a “fair weather” and the man who died was her live-in lover.  His family is evicting her from the house they shared.  She’s moving to a house in a blighted neighborhood, a dangerous neighborhood.  She has a great job, but like most “fair weathers”, she can’t manage money worth a shit.  They couldn’t be bothered with the trappings of marriage.  The family is trying to wrench the life insurance policy that names her as beneficiary. D tells me about her.  He tells me that most people think she’s a bitch.  Then he tells me that he thinks that she and I would get along well.  I give him a quizzical look, then I turn away. 

  The “fair weathers” are a “manners optional” bunch so no one will bat an eye.  It should bother me more than it does.  I no more want to meet her than I want to contract a head cold.  I say nothing, just nod and “tsk” at the appropriate moments. 

  He tells me that his schedule next week includes three 12-hour day shifts followed by three 12 – hour night shifts.  They call that “hell week” on his job.  He holds me close, “I won’t get to see you much, but I would like to see you Thursday after work if you can…”

  He holds me close all night.  My demitasse to his serving spoon.  He caresses me with his huge hands.  I feel…..

  …..loved…..

  At one point in time, he dozes.  His iPod chimes on the dresser.  I turn to him but he snores lightly.  I’m not sure if the chime will repeat (on his cell phone, it does), so I slip out of the bed and pad over on cat feet.  I lean over to peer at the screen.  It’s a message from another “fair weather”.  I touch “Close”.  I know the woman, and D says that they’re only friends.  It’s hard not to look, but I don’t.  I walk away.

  Later, D bellyaches that he’s working on every weekend that there is an event he usually attends.  I shrug, thinking “So you’ll use up your leave and take me nowhere.  What else is new?”  He surprises me when he says, “I’m not going to anything.  I’m staying here.  I won’t even try to take vacation days.”

  I don’t ask when or on whom he will spend those vacation days with.  The obvious answer is “me”, but I don’t want to say it.

  For now…..I’m just very, very tired…

  When I leave he’s happy to tell me that he gets some “alone” time.  He wants to work on his electronics. 

  He talks a great deal over the weekend.  I listen more than I have in the past. 

  • 9:40 pm
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