July 14, 2013
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Fini
The air compressor he lent me is wrapped in a plastic garbage bag, ready to be hidden in the hedge by his front door. At the height of the row he told me to keep it, “I’ll get a new one!” I bellowed back that I could afford to get my own. I didn’t need his charity.
Last weekend I’d agreed to go to his house, but was detained by one thing after another. He had planned on me staying overnight, but H called, drunk and belligerent, demanding that I pick up the kids. He had plans. He had called me on Friday after the 4th, demanding to know why I hadn’t picked up the kids. I was at work. I had told him what my schedule was. He told me to pick them up on Saturday.
I finally got to D’s house, he was watching a movie. I let myself in the open door. He seemed okay, not the least bit perturbed. Dinner? The take out place had gone downhill. He had cooked chicken on the grill. I shrugged, that was fine with me. I was fine with just hanging out. And, so it seemed, was he. We dozed off, woke up in the wee hours, I didn’t stay until morning. I thanked him later for a nice evening.
He blew up. I was rude. I was inconsiderate. He could have made other plans. I was 5 hours late.
Only we never really set a time. I told him that I was picking up things that my kids needed for a trip. Patches that needed to be sewn on uniforms came in a week before the kids were to leave for the event. Dufflebags, t-shirts, and backpacks had to be picked up so they could be packed. Everything was happening last minute. I explained that. My lawn maintenance guy had shown up to talk to me about the fill that I was getting. I hadn’t expected him.
Would it have been better to have canceled?
I outlined my afternoon, reminding him that we hadn’t set a time. Then something snapped, and it all flowed. Him lying about getting an invitation and going to a rowdy wedding stag. The motorcycle trip that he dumped me for. The lies, the slights, the loneliness, all raged forward without mercy. I was certain that he was seeing someone else. He didn’t deny it. I think for once he told the truth by not jumping on it and denying it.
When it occurred to me that I was likely the other woman, I cooled and turned it analytical, and neutral. I was still done, but I acknowledged my errors, my misunderstandings and miscommunications. He snapped back. I tried once again to find a neutral ground. I wasn’t interested in him outlining his errors. I didn’t need a confession. I just wanted to be dismissed. I wanted to slip into the shadows where it was safe.
He rained more hellfire, slipping easily into that place where H resides. My response was worded carefully, closed with “I will leave you alone.” Before I slipped away he read the note. It was like a wisp of smoke, moving away on a breeze. He couldn’t reply. I’d left him without words.
I didn’t tell him that he was no longer my friend.
He’ll figure that out soon enough.
For now, I’m alone. The kids left on their trip. They’ll be gone for 10 days. I’m happy that they’ll have an adventure, but I miss them already.
