April 16, 2013
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complicated steps….
He shoots me a text when he’s sitting at the traffic light. He can’t wait to see me. I stare at the screen, then glance up at the clock. It’s 1:45pm. I look at Angel me and dryly say, “Gee, L must have cleared out early.” She glares at me then stomps out of the room, “He’ll have time to shower before you stop by.”
I’m tired from spending a day cleaning and doing laundry. H has been particularly nasty, telephoning to check on me, suddenly afraid that I might be out with someone.
We divorced almost 2 years ago.
I’m worn out. D texts again, urging me to come over, “I miss you.” I frown at the phone, look up at Angel me, “It’s someone to have dinner with…” She looks pissed. I shower and dress. I apply expensive perfume. I never wear his favorite if I know that I’ll see him. That was L’s favorite. He doesn’t know that I still wear it on occasion, and that’s fine. I made it clear when I walked away before – it was his favorite, not mine.
My favorite is Chanel Mademoiselle. I bought it for myself for Christmas, when it began to look like I had better get something for myself because no one else was going to….
D ended up getting me an iPod. We had broken up, and I told him that I expected nothing. He mailed it to me because I had said that I didn’t want to see him. In fact, I encouraged him to give the iPod to someone else. In my mind’s eye I could see L being delighted with it. I just wanted to fade away and be gone from his memory.
He kept in touch. I was polite but not warm, uncomfortable with such an expensive gift. I’m still not comfortable with it.
For three months he tried to warm me up, I retreated to the shadows, staying out of arm’s reach, annoyed that he couldn’t leave me alone. I wasn’t “the one”. He was happier with his friends. He loved L. I patiently spelled it all out, painfully, and sadly retreated. I told him that I knew he didn’t love me, and that I needed to find someone who would. I didn’t want to be alone anymore, and I always felt alone with him, because everything and everyone else came first.
Something unusual happened. D coaxed me back.
….Now it’s all strange and bizarre….
