D sends the odd text.  Checking in.  He sent an iPod and music discs to me after…AFTER….we broke up.  I had spent a couple hundred dollars on his Christmas, which he insisted on opening in my presence.  He was delighted but had not spent so much on my gift – an iPod Nano.  He insisted on upgrading it.

I caught him in a spectacular lie, an unnecessary lie.  He had told an elaborate tale about spending New Years with the neighbors, but had spent it with the fair weathers.  I wouldn’t have cared who he spent it with, but the lie spooked me.  I found the wherewithal to break it off for good.  Devil me applauded.  D grumbled and made accusations, tossing projections of his own sins on me.  A wiser and wide awake me took command of my heart and my head, countering his accusations.  He wanted me back, but I was unwilling to return.  I told him gently, firmly that it was not necessary for him to buy me a gift.  I didn’t expect one.  But he insisted.

I hauled the package to work, nervous and afraid.  Dr K stood by my side when I opened it, “It’s the ‘real deal’, and it’s new,” he looked concerned, “Are you sure you want to break it off with this guy?  That’s a nice present.”  I looked at him with sad eyes, “He lies….always.  I can’t trust him.  Besides, I told him not to feel obligated to give me such a nice gift.”  Dr K sighed and shook his head, “I think that someone would have to love you a lot to spend so much….”  I touch his arm, “No…he doesn’t.”

He doesn’t. 

I talk weeks to set it up.

D emails like clockwork.  Asking if I had it set up….asking if I wanted more music.  My responses are short, polite and subdued.  He probes deeper.  I log off.

Devil me hugs me from behind, “It bothers you to talk to him, doesn’t it?”  I nod, “I think about the night that he made all those outlandish accusations.  Then I realize that he was projecting his sins on me.  That makes it easy to stay away.  He’s one sick mother fucker.  I don’t need that shit.  I don’t even want to be his friend.”

Angel me is shocked, “Does he know that?”  I shake my head, “I’m working on closing my page and opening a new one.  Or new ones…. He won’t be on my contact list.”

I shrug.  When I walk away, I walk away for good. 

It doesn’t help that I justify spending the weekend I have sans kids – working on the house.  I don’t go out.  I’m a little afraid to go out to be honest.  I organize and sort and tackle items on the “honey do” list.  It ends up proving to be my undoing.

I take the time to RSVP to the wedding of friends.  I’m not worried that D will attend, even though he’s friends with the happy couple.  He often badmouthed them…with much eye rolling…”She’s been married 3 times.  I think he’s been married four times.  As if this is the match made in heaven!”  I’d admonish him.  He’d ignore me. 

He also always, always berated me for accepting a friend request from L, because she was “crazy as hell!”  He told tales about her in high school.  I hadn’t been around because I was hanging out with a different crowd.  He declared that he would have nothing to do with her.  I shrugged, although I thought it was a bit ridiculous.

There was a bike show a few counties north of us.  L went with S (apparently they are a couple now, which tickles me) and the other couple (the pair that are planning to marry) went too.  D went, of course.  He allowed himself to be “tagged” so that we all knew that he was social.  Then he accepted the friend request from L, because he had changed his mind about her.  My heart sank a bit, although I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why. 

Angel me leaned in, “You’re out of sorts because you’re reeling from his unexpected behavior.  You believed that he’d be discrete, and that he’d honor your wishes and stay away.  Since when has he done a damned thing you’ve asked?  I don’t understand why you are sooooo surprised.”  

It wasn’t that.  It was the fact that I knew he’d said less than complimentary things about me to mutual friends.  Those things weren’t accurate.  Always, he would ….Devil me interrupts, “He told lies about you.  We all get it.  You don’t need to revisit this.”

She’s right and she’s wrong.

Alone.

…in procedures scheduled.  I’m requested for a complicated open heart case.  I squash the heartache and depression in a box, so I don’t have to deal with it.  Devil me gives the pep talk to a hollow-eyed shell.  The committee work is winding down.  I’m asked to present our findings to administration and the consulting group’s superiors.  I can only tell our physician leader that I’ll try my best to be there.  She looks worried, “You were a strong presenter last time.  We NEED you.”  I tell her that there is an open heart case scheduled for that day, “I’ll try to be there, but there are no guarantees…”  To make matters worse, the presentation is scheduled for a time slot when I’ll would generally be sending the other nurse in the room home. 

I think of D, when he accused me of lying about my work when I got called in when we were lunching in a funky diner, “That was a PLANNED call!  You just want to look like you’re important.  You’re creating drama with your job!  No one has to drop everything and run into work!”  I was comically upset about that ridiculous accusation. He had no idea what my job was like, what demands it made on my time.  I shake my head and wonder if anyone will ever be understanding about my career.  I remember a conversation that D and I had one time over breakfast.  We were in a diner.  He asked me a few questions about my work, then lowered his voice and admitted, “It bothers me that you look at naked men every day.”  My eyes widened and my eyebrows shot up in disbelief, “I work in an operating room.  Everyone is naked.  It’s hard to do surgery when there are clothes in the way.”  He looked irritated.  I continued, “It’s not as if it’s a romantic situation.  I’m a nurse, after all.  I don’t give you grief about all the bare titties you’ve seen in your lifetime.  I’ve seen my share on the job.  Made a few of them bigger when I worked with the Plastic surgeon.  I don’t know why you even think about it, much less let it bother you.”  It had bothered him.  He had a very fragile self esteem, and was 80 lbs overweight.  Nothing I could say would ever ease his mind.

It was a red flag that I chose to ignore.

Devil me helped me crawl out of the deep well where I was trapped, “You look hollow again.”  I promise to eat right, get the house and my life in order, and go solo for awhile.  I don’t put a deadline on it.  She looks at me skeptical, “He’s gotten in every time you’ve let down your guard.  I wonder if you’ve learned your lesson.”  I look at her for a full minute before answering, “I believe I have.  I don’t think about the few good times with him.  I always did that in the past.  I’m not mourning the loss the way I used to, because he was lying all along, you see.  There is no sense mourning something that never was.  He didn’t love me.  H didn’t love me either.  That realization dropped me deep in a well of despair.  It’s heartbreaking to think that I’d been duped all my life by liars.”  I sighed, but the tears never came, my stomach didn’t drop to my toes leaving me nauseated like it normally would.  I felt hollow, but not empty.  I continued, “I look hollow, but that’s because I’ve cast away the liars who took residence in my heart.  I don’t hope that D will change.  I don’t think about him hanging out with his friends or with L.  I don’t wonder if he misses me.  I certainly don’t contact him.”  I shake my head, “Hollow and empty are the same.  The difference lies in how I live my life from here on out.”

One of the Jamaican nurses pulls me aside, “Did you go back with him?”  I laugh and shake my head, “No.  He’s got a steady girlfriend.  I don’t want to be the other woman.”  She giggles and waves a hand, “Bah, sometimes you gotta share.  You know he needs a sexy thing like you.”  I laugh and say that I don’t share my toys.  My smile disappears as she walks away.  She meant no harm, and I’m not offended.  I’m also not hurt.  I’m just empty. 

Angel me waits in the passenger seat.  As I head towards home I turn to her, “I need to find my amazing.”  She smiles, and nods.