January 26, 2013
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on bouncing back
I’m not there yet. I don’t cry anymore, but the emptiness, the loneliness is like a yawning bottomless pit that threatens to swallow me up. I confide to Devil me, “It wouldn’t be so bad to just disappear.” Steady gaze, no reply. I wonder if she thinks that I’m considering it, but I can’t. I have children to tether me tightly to this life. I can’t just pull up stakes and go start over elsewhere.
Still, I wish I could run away and reinvent myself.
D ran back to his friends and his real girlfriend. He’s suffered none of the emptiness because I meant nothing.
That realization was enlightening. When I think about it, no one ever really loved me. I was married to someone who only married me because I could bring home a good paycheck. My happiness wasn’t important. It was no different this time. D was with me for some reason, but it wasn’t because he loved me. He strung me along, tossing a few crumbs. No one has ever loved me. No one.
I have children who love me. Family and friends love me. But there is no life partner for me. No one wants me to live in their heart. Nothing is so devastating as that – to realize that no one has ever wanted me to be in their heart. I’ve looked for a lifetime, but there’s no one there.
There will be no bouncing back, I’m afraid. It would appear that I’m flawed beyond repair.
Comments (2)
No one is ever flawed beyond repair. My moms been severely depressed, and she’s finally getting better. Just remember to hold on to your reason, your babies need you. As a person who’s mother has been suffering, I can’t imagine her not being here.
I hope you find your happiness. I truly do.
Name three adjectives that describe your favorite color? They should come to someone like you pretty quickly.