September 2, 2012
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lonely….
I wasn’t prepared for the emptiness. Staved off by the presence of my kids, I didn’t realize that I felt so alone until they left to spend the night with their dad.
Suddenly, unexpectedly, I missed D. I longed for D.
Even worse, J called, regaling me with his never-ending saga of his foibles with the latest psychotic woman. He tells me that she went out today with a guy who had been chatting me up. I was disappointed to be certain, but still abandoned any thought of going on any sort of a date with him.
I hadn’t realized that it was something I was looking at as a possibility, but apparently I had….on some level…..was willing to get hopeful about it. Grasping at straws, now that I think about it. All dashed away. Folly. Foolish to think that someone may have…..
Devil me touches my cheek and looks at her wet fingertips, “I had no idea that you even liked him. It seemed so casual….” I shake my head, mopping fresh tears, “It wasn’t that. I don’t know what it was. It’s gone now.” I honk into a tissue, “It’s been an emotional week.” She nods, “I know. You miss D. It was wrong of J to mention that they were planning a fishing trip. Are you afraid that he’ll badmouth you?” I nod, unable to talk. I know it’s wrong to miss D, and I beat myself up for it, but I can’t deny the loneliness.
“He loves L. I know he doesn’t think about me. I meant nothing to him,” my voice sounds flat, but Devil me stops me, “I can’t bear the pain in your voice.”
I stop talking and sob. The tissues pile high, a small mountain of tears and pain. I stop when I can’t breathe through my nose, and my eyes burn. “I don’t know what to do anymore,” I explain, suddenly exhausted, “Part of me wishes I could disappear without a trace. I’m so weary of the games. I hate to think that D will badmouth me; I hate to even care. I just feel so imperfect and so unworthy.”
Worth.
Your worth doesn’t ride on the opinions of others.
