August 31, 2012
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Water, water…
All week we’ve been prisoners. You would think I could be more creative, but my mind is dull.
I wish that my sleep was dreamless, but it’s not. I was startled awake by something brushing against my arm. It was only the cat, but I sat upright in bed, crying out in terror. My cheeks wet with tears. I was crying in my sleep.
Dreaming of D. I dreamed that I was out, running errands in a place that was unfamiliar. None of the shops were where they were supposed to be. D just appeared. I was wary, but he promised to help me find my way around my changed town. I reluctantly agreed and followed him. Eventually, inevitably we end up at his place (which has also changed – not so dark inside as it was). I wake up when he holds me close and whispers that he’s missed me so much.
Devil me sighs, “So you miss him. Big surprise. You’re lonely; what do you expect?” I shrug, “I thought I’d be done with the dreams. I won’t contact him. Besides, I know he doesn’t miss me. He has L. He loves her. He didn’t love me. He never thinks about me.”
J hasn’t even called to check in with me. I’ve been wrapped up in this whole stranded thing with the kids so I haven’t bothered to call him either. I check his page on the social networking site and he has proclaimed himself sore from a late night workout (his code for sexcapades with someone). I cock an eyebrow at the screen, wonder briefly who he’s sleeping with, and then decide that I scarcely care. It occurs to me that at times he’s a fair weather friend to me.
“Some people are best left lost,” Angel me says softly, “You don’t need to be spending time with people like J. I know you grew up with him, but sometimes you need to move on. You’re not going to find quality people in a dive bar. You need to start out by working on you, getting healthy, finding you. Then you need to go to the places you miss. Those places that are you. You’ll make new friends.”
She’s right, of course. I don’t need to jettison anyone. J is working on his friendship with D. I wonder if they talk about me sometimes, and decide that it couldn’t be anything remotely complimentary. I shouldn’t care, but part of me does, because I wonder who else is sitting there listening to it all. I shouldn’t care. What difference does it make anyway? They gossip. Eventually, when I never come around, they won’t have anything left to gossip about.
I only have to wait it out. I have no desire to go to that dive of a place where the drinks are shitty and expensive. I can’t help but mention to Angel me, “Funny how D wouldn’t go to that bar regularly until I stopped going there. He preferred the really scuzzy dive bars downtown in the shittiest part of town. He fit in there somehow. I didn’t. I don’t know where I fit in, but I could never slum it like those guys could.”
“Are you going to call J?” she asks. I shake my head, “I sent him a text. It was just a generic one, hope all is well, haven’t heard from you in awhile. Maybe he’ll respond later.” Not much to say to him if he does reply. I’m a little melancholy, but I’ll happily hand him over to D. D has a way of changing J’s mind when it comes to me.
I go back to looking out the window.
