July 29, 2012
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begin again…
After so many days of uneasiness, and too many restless nights, I call D out on his behavior. The part of me that wanted to see him dance on the coals while trying to keep me a secret from L stepped back and said, “Enough.” While I waited for his reply, I convened with Angel me and Devil me to update them on my actions.
“I don’t believe that he ever broke it off with L. I think he was juggling the two of us,” my eyes dark and sad, but strangely free of tears, “I’ll never really know why he kept me around so long, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to think about it.” Devil me starts to interrupt, but I shake my head. “She loves him. He loves her. I loved him, but he didn’t love me.”
Angel me shakes her head, “No. He did love you. He still loves you.”
I got up and walked over to the window. It’s going to rain again. There is a flicker of lightning, followed by a distant rumble. Rain is cleansing, but it will not wash away the pain in my heart, “He doesn’t know what love really is. That’s what he says anyway. I only wish….”
Wish….for what? That he revealed his lies sooner? That he really did love me? That I hadn’t been so naive, so blind, so trusting? That I could turn back time? That I would never fall for this scam ever again? That I could find someone who didn’t lie?
The response comes swiftly, I had inquired when I could drop off the money that he felt I owed him. He replied tersely, he would contact me later. It had been very important that I reimburse him for some toiletries he insisted that I have at his house. I rolled my eyes, and moments later another email arrived.
“Find another asshole” Then he quickly deleted me from his contacts so that I wouldn’t pummel him with words.
Devil me stared at my back for a few moments while I waited for more lightning, “You backed him into a corner. He couldn’t tell anymore lies to you. He knew that.” I turned to her and nodded. I didn’t reply. There was nothing more to say. She picked at the hem of her dress, “He’s always been afraid of you. You argue better than L, obviously. She’s the type to just tolerate his boorish behavior, long-suffering. She’s too nice. She’s afraid of being alone because her self esteem is even lower than his. He could always say a few things, make her feel ungrateful, and she’d back down. You don’t do that. You’re braver than that. He doesn’t have the power to make you question your beauty, your intelligence, your parenting skills, your career performance, your capacity to love and be loved. That is why he surrendered this battle.
“Perhaps this was not a waste of time. You’ve learned a great deal. In spite of the circumstances, you’ve grown stronger and more confident. That’s a good thing.”
“Pity that he finds me so scary. He really didn’t know me at all, ” I study the floor, sighing deeply before I continue, “He wanted someone who was easy to fool. I never asked him to give up L and be with me. He knew I didn’t want to see him if he was seeing someone else. He lied.”
There was nothing more to say on the subject so we sat for a few hours saying nothing at all until I got up and found something to do.
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Days became weeks. I didn’t go out. I didn’t write. I went to work. I took care of the family. I carted things out to the house. I stayed away from D. When I felt lonely, and when I missed him, I took my pain by the hand and gently led her back to the present. “She loves him. He loves her. You loved him, and he didn’t love you,” became my mantra. Devil me rode shotgun when I drove to and from work, “Breathe. You’ll get past this. Loneliness is relative. Use this time to reflect.” She allowed me to vent, offered a shoulder to cry on. I didn’t call K or J.
Work intervened and kept me busy. I was sent upstairs to assist with surgery on an infant too unstable to be transported to the surgical department. Something clicked. I was sent upstairs again. The surgeon was interesting in adding me to the team. Meetings and rounds were held on Friday mornings at 9, could I be there? I sat taking notes while the surgeon and cardiologists discussed the patients who would be coming in to have surgery. The lights were dimmed so we could watch the echocardiograms projected on the screen. The surgeon was delighted to hear that someone new was joining the team. I was there for the first open heart procedure (to correct a congenital abnormality) on an adult. Groundbreaking. I was there. The patient did very well. The next day we did surgery on a baby who was only a few weeks old.
I was officially part of the Open Heart Service. I couldn’t have been happier! In fact, I was so jazzed that when the night shift nurse called out sick I quickly agreed to work her shift. My shift extended from 12 to 22 hours. I would be very tired and very happy when Saturday dawned and my relief arrived.
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Friends intervened as well. They coaxed me out for dinner and drinks. I remembered the housekeeper at one of the hospitals I taught at telling me, “Girl, you gotta eat! Let the men take you out. You decide if you want it to go anywhere.” I painted my toenails, made up my face, slipped bright earrings into my lobes, and dressed carefully. No matter if I wasn’t looking. I could still make the effort to look nice. In spite of my newly minted confidence I still blushed when approached. They were all youngish and good looking. My friends teased that I was a cougar. I wasn’t sure what to make of it, but I flirted back anyway
But as exhilarating as it all was, I couldn’t let down my guard. Someone joined our merry group. He graduated with all of us, married a lovely woman, raised two daughters, and has a very successful business. We all traded tales and history, laughed at jokes, sipped spirits. He plants himself across from me, and the interrogation starts. Insidious. He doesn’t try hard to get into my good graces, and he doesn’t try to impress, but I feel it just the same.
Since I trust myself first, I don’t push that unease away. I watch and listen. Wait. A week later he’s trying to scare up a group to go out. We decide on an expensive beer garden to start. He’s there early. One other person shows up and he has her text me to see when I’ll be there. I cock an eyebrow at Angel me, who looks alarmed. Another young man snuggles up to me at the bar while I wait for a grossly overpriced sorghum ale. He cuddles me so close and so comfortably that I wonder if he won’t kiss. me. He can’t be 30. B, the newcomer, watches it all. He’s not flirting yet, but as the night progresses that changes. He’s subtle, but it’s unmistakable. He only gives himself away when he comments on my soft eyes. He picks up the tab for all of us. When he walks me out to my car, he takes me into his arms and kisses me without restraint.
Then he invites me to the bike fest in ________. The one in the center of the state. It’s held in February. It’s the one D goes to. The irony nearly makes me laugh uncontrollably. He’s scheming to have another single friend take me as a passenger. He’s mildly irritated that he wasn’t able to get this guy to come down and go out with the group.
Apparently, he decided that he wanted a fling with me on the first night he met me. He texts me no less than a dozen times before I get home. The drive from the bar takes me 10 minutes.
Devil me and Angel me glare at me when I come in at 4 am. “What the FUCK are you doing?” Devil me growls. I smile while I grab the pitcher of water in the refrigerator, “I have no intention of being B’s mistress. I’ll not go to __________ with anyone. D would be there. I’m not even going to lead B on.” I sip my water and head for the shower, “I just find it amusing that he’s scheming so hard to have a fling with me.”
Angel me shakes her head, “Don’t kiss him again!”
I laugh, “I won’t! Don’t worry!”
Dancing to the edge of the cliff, I stopped and looked at the drop. Then I turned and walked away.
