June 18, 2012
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Scattered…
He knows. And he knows that I know, but he’s not able to say anything. He acts as if nothing is wrong, but the tension is there.
He’s afraid I’ll disappear.
He catches me staring skyward in the dark, and he comes to me quickly, dispensing kisses and stroking my hair before he enfolds me in a hug. Eyes glitter and glow in the dark. He doesn’t see them. He just bustles about trying to please me.
He doesn’t want me to leave, either.
It all surprises me. He obviously has at least L (if not more). I’m obviously expendable. Although, obviously not expendable at all.
K laughs heartily at it all, “He loves you! I told you so!” And afterwards, when we all calm down, I say, “You know I’m crazy about you. I love you, honey.” Natural as drawing breath, but a trap nonetheless. In the past, he would have joked his way around it, not responding and leaving me feeling sad. This time he snuggles me close and looks in my eyes, “I love you too, baby!” He’ll say it more than once. He’ll also take me out to dinner, with nary a blink of an eye. He even suggests that we try “my” sushi restaurant next time.
I report to K. He laughs again, “I told you so!” Angel me snorts in disgust, “You should have asked him to kiss your ass.” Devil me giggles, “No need! Sounds like he already did.”
I don’t tell any of them that he stepped out of the restaurant to get his phone so he could call his dad. I’m quite sure that he also called L. He checked out a liquor store nearby. I imagine him lying to L as he browses the shelves, telling her that he’s out with R or C, but that he’d RATHER be out with her. I roll my eyes, text K, and watch the door. This ISN’T going to work. I need to break it off and find someone who isn’t an asshole.
After all, as I was getting ready to go out, I borrowed his hair gel and reached under the sink for the blow dryer. I figured I’d fluff up my hair a little. The cord of the dryer was caught on something and it fell out when I pulled out the dryer. It was heavy nylon, and I held them up…curious….It was a pair of bathing suit bottoms, full panty with an attached skirt. I hauled them out and looked at them, eyes growing cold. They were fairly large. I folded them up and put them back under the sink. After dinner we stopped at a department store so he could look at electric razors. I found a pair of heels. He shook his head, “They look amazing, but why don’t you save for an expensive pair?” I giggle, “Because this is so much more entertaining!” He walks away to look for batteries, and my smile is gone. He’ll get some produce and sandwiches for the next work day lunch. We ride the motorcycle home, and he hands me the bags, “I have to park it.” No problem. I carry in the bags, beeline it for the bathroom, then I stuff the bathing suit bottoms in my purse. They’re huge. I drop my purse into the bag with my shoes.
He doesn’t realize that I’ve lifted L’s bathing suit.
It goes out in the next day’s garbage.
Let’s see D explain THAT to L. Devil me applauds, “THAT wasn’t nice! I like your rationale, sassy!” My eyes are cold and hard. Angel me touches my arm, “What if he says something?” I smile, but it’s not warm and comforting, “That’s the beauty of it all. He can’t say anything. That’s why he’s kissing my ass. I’ll keep him on his toes awhile.”
“Then what?” Devil me asks. I look at her with dead eyes, “Then I dump him for good.” Angel me asks if I still love him. I do. I don’t like the fact that he dates me and L. He’s keeping doors open with her. It makes me want to say, “She loves you, and you love her. I should go.”
K says, “His family likes you better. ALL OF THEM. Even the fucking cat! That’s no lost on him.”
But do I need to waste my time? Because I’m thinking that I should just tell him to go away and never contact me…I don’t know anymore…
