June 12, 2012
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More laughter…
K laughs at me when I tell him the latest. He’s down, partying with J. They’ve been fishing today on a friend’s boat. They’re working on getting their drink on now. I tell him that D has emailed me once and sent two texts. Laughing, he says, “He hasn’t spoken to me.” I tell him that I don’t think that D knows that I saw the card, or that I took it. He thinks I’m wrong. He’s not sure that D didn’t leave it out on purpose. I’m skeptical, “Why? To start a fight? He doesn’t care about me.”
Devil me giggles, “Of course, he does! Why do you think he’s in constant contact? He’s worried that you’ll disappear.” He’s used to me responding immediately and with a wordy reply. I didn’t reply to last night’s text so he sends another tonight. That one I reply simply to….”Thnx”. Not like me at all, but I really don’t care to carry on the charades with D anymore.
My eyes twinkle when I suggest that I should ask him out for sushi and present him with the pieces of L’s card, offering apologies for taking it and admitting that it got “a little torn up”….which sends Devil me into gales of laughter. Angel me laughs as well, “That would be funny….dumping the pieces of her card on the table….!”
My eyes grow cold…”I’d prefer to burn the pieces on the next full moon…” The mes nod, because they understand. The full moon is clear and honest, a fitting witness to duplicity, and a clean break for a broken soul. But Angel me points out the obvious, “That means that you have to keep the pieces for 2 more weeks. Do you want them looming over you?”
They’re both concerned that the light is gone from my eyes. My colleagues at work have noticed it too. I’m working in the Kingdom, and the staff is less professional there. One of the anesthesia providers and a physician’s assistant try to draw me back, “You are our comic relief here.” I look at the PA and say, “Bullshit. I had a bad weekend. Leave me be.” He looks hurt. The orderly gently asks me in the hallway, “Lady, are you okay? You look so sad….like your heart is breaking.” My eyes feel the sting of tears, and I shake my head, “No, love. I’m not okay. You’re right. My heart is breaking, but I’ll be okay.” He pats my back in support. He’s kind enough to keep my secret from the others. He’ll check on me tomorrow, because he’s young and good-hearted.
My heart is empty all day. The vines and brambles and thorns stay put. If I remove them, I fear that I’ll die because there will be nothing left.
Devil me whispers to Angel me, “The light is gone….I’m afraid that the light won’t return,” she pauses before saying that forbidden thing, “That’s the only thing that binds her here. Without a soul….” Angel me growls, “The light will return. She’s tethered here. It doesn’t matter that she has no soul. She’s had children, so she can’t just fly away….”
Devil me swipes at her tears, “Does she know that she has no soul?” Now it’s my turn to laugh, “Of course. When a child arrives unwanted then they are denied a soul. You have to be wanted to have a soul. When a child arrives unwanted, then they have no soul. They can’t be admitted to Heaven. They are like dogs. They are nothing.” The light and the twinkle are gone from my eyes. The mes know this, but it doesn’t diminish their desire to be with me. They’re distressed to know that I know my fate.
I shake my head, “No. It’s okay. It could be a void or some sort of afterlife. I accept my fate.”
The mes hold my hands….”You are more than the person you were. You have a capacity to love and promote change…..
…..you are free…”
I am free.
