April 21, 2012
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Last word without reply….
The gray sky drizzles rain as if we’ve been transported to Washington state. Cars pass by on the road, constantly. It amazes me how much traffic passes in a day. It certainly wasn’t like that when I was a girl growing up here. I look out the front window every few minutes because I’m expecting delivery of some Chinese food. I can’t muster the energy to cook. I don’t want to go shopping. I don’t want to go out at all.
The sky matches my mood, sad and restless, ready to cry again. There are no tears. There were no tears last night, when D got his last word in. I let him have his last word without reply. I don’t have to reply anymore.
I’ve sent him away for good.
Angel me looks at me, her face unreadable. “What?” I ask, “He can’t mistake it when I tell him to forget me and that I’ll run if I ever see him. That I truly believe that he hates me…” My voice trails off. She walks across the room to the window and gazes out at the clouds. For a long time she says nothing. I look at Devil me, but she’s silent too. They aren’t disapproving, but there is a sense that they’re both holding something back, searching for words. I begin to wonder if I’ve screwed up again, “What is my mistake this time…..?”
Devil me taps the screen, “Sending him away for good in text, and promising to run away from him IF you see him.” She ticks them off on her fingers, “He can’t call without losing face. You’ve let him know that he can’t email or text. The only way he’ll get back in your graces is to do the very thing you fear the most.” The weight of her words settle in like lead.
J and C are good for “checking” me in when we’re out. They do it to let people know where to find us. Recently, D would check with J to see if I was there. All he needs to do is check for the check in.
Devil me looks at my concerned face, “He’ll just turn up. For all your growling and snarling, he knows that if he can take you in his arms, you’ll be lost. You can’t watch every door. You can’t be on your guard all the time. He can turn you back with a touch. He’s done it before.” Angel me nods.
“He’s not going to give you up that easily,” K had said.
I paged through earlier blogs that chronicled the ups and downs of my relationship with D. Even when he’s walked away, he’s been the one to turn up somewhere, or to ease me into returning through honeyed words. The deal is sealed when he takes me in his arms.
“It’s not just the chase that he likes,” K had said recently, “It’s the victory when he wins you back. It’s got to be pretty nice knowing that he’s got that power over you. That he can win you back.” He told me that he felt like D was more patient when it came to me, “He’s got all the time in the world.”
He does. He knows I detest dating. One of the nurses I work with asked one of the single nurse anesthetists why he didn’t date a nice girl like me. He looked at her stunned. His last wife was Asian, so I imagine that he probably doesn’t find me attractive. We both blushed, and I tossed out a save, “Talk about awkward, huh T?”
The banter that goes back and forth at work is only that. I won’t say that no one notices me. One of the Physician Assistants flat out stares at me when he comes to assist the surgeons that he works for. He’s a good looking guy, but he’s married, so it’s nothing but someone checking me out. A few of the physicians light up when I walk in the room, but that’s as far as it will likely go. That’s fine with me. It’s flattering, but I doubt that it means anything. Still, it’s a nice little boost to the ego.
“She’s a nice catch, don’t you think?” my colleague teased, “She’s brilliant, funny, and is lovely to boot! You should ask her out!” He hides behind his newspaper, “No comment.” I giggle and tell him that she’s only teasing, that he’s safe with me, safe from me.
I think about all of that while I page through blogs. It makes me feel very alone, and sad.
“You know he watching and waiting,” Angel me says as she closes the blinds, “He’s wondering if it’s really over. He knows that he can win you back with a touch. Are you going to be more careful this time? Or will you slip and break cover, so that he catches you. He wants you back, you know. That’s why he tried to make ‘casual conversation’.”
Devil me laughs.
I just look distressed. Devil me stops laughing long enough for me to notice her eyes sparkle, just like mine, “Whatever you want. He’ll never be the lover you want him to be, but he’ll be attentive if you let him in….at least for a little while.”
I nod, eyes sad. Fatigue settles over me like a blanket. I believe I’ll shower and go to bed early after all.
They know me well.
