April 17, 2012
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Bolder now….
Yesterday was positively beastly at work. The computers are proving to be slow. We have been enrolled in classes to teach us things that were never covered in the first classes. I get snatched from the hallway to help in three different rooms. By the time I get to the room I’m supposed to give a lunch break, I’ve been at work for 15 minutes. The nurse I’m relieving is so stressed about her computer charting that she is nearly crying.
I will end up crying myself before the day is through.
It quiets down, and we all settle in to going through supplies hunting for outdates. R walks into the core, “I’ll be glad when I’m back on days and there’s real work to do.” He walks out, leaving W, T and myself looking exasperated. I reply, “I’ll be glad when he goes back on days and takes that dumbass attitude with him.” We laugh. Slow time is rare on the evening shift. I grab a bin full of expired supplies and dump it in a bag. Two nurse anesthetists hurry to the desk to tell me that there is a patient in the ER who has a dislodged tracheostomy and who is bleeding profusely. The surgeon has his finger in the patient’s throat; they’re on their way to the operating room.
I run back to the room where a very sullen R is sorting suture and growl, “You got your wish. We nominated you to do the case.” A quick briefing to W and T before we all fly to get supplies and open the room. It’s organized chaos, and R looks scared and a little miserable. He’s not that experienced and it shows. T scrubs in with him. The case is more serious than we originally thought, requiring more instruments, medications, and many units of blood and plasma.
Then we find out that there is another patient who will be coming to surgery: a stabbing victim. R looks apologetic, as if his earlier comment has “jinxed” us. I can’t help but laugh.
When we are relieved to go home, R asks me how the patient came to us. I explain, “With age, people just ‘wear out’. Illness and poor nutrition contribute to the decline. Then we perform heroic measures to save people.” R had trouble with that one, “But why? If someone is so ill, why do we spend so much time and money to keep them alive?” I shook my head, “People never have enough time with the people they love. They don’t want to let them go, so they try everything. Eventually, their loved ones leave this life, but everyone tries to buy time.”
R is young. Who knows if he’s even listening? We bid each other goodnight, and drive away.
Later, I meet J at the bar. It’s pretty quiet, only a few barflies and hockey fans. One of the waitresses stops by on her night off. She’s brought her chihuahua, who gets passed around like a baby. J mentions, “Who the fuck stops by their job when they’re off?” People who have no life. I just shake my head and say nothing.
We talk about our days. I wax technical even if it all flies over J’s head. He nods anyway, because he’s my friend. He checks his phone, tells me that he’s “checked us in”, then looks at it again, frowning. I ask if everything is okay. “Fine,” he says. He talks about installing a new mailbox, and talking to his girlfriend who lives 5 hours away. She blows hot and cold even though he’s ready to have a long term relationship with her. He asks if I’ve heard from D, and I laugh, “I will never hear from D again.” He just looks at me, saying nothing.
He doesn’t believe it. I sigh and tell him that I keep reminding myself that I’m not what D wants. It keeps me from calling D. In order to contact me, D would have to apologize. He would look like he wanted a relationship. The noose still lies around his neck. He’d lose face talking to me. It would appear that he would want to be with me. I painted him into the corner, and now he can’t easily get out.
J looks at me, amazed, then he laughs, “You’re right. But that won’t stop him from trying.”
D makes attempts at contact, mostly just fishes, but I don’t bite.
After I get home, I discover that D is watching, and looking for a way in. I run it by K when he calls. He agrees. Then he laughs.
Later…
It didn’t take him long to test the waters. He emailed a question, “You off today?”
I answered, “Yeah.” Then I logged off. Shutting the computer down now. Off to do chores, shopping and yardwork. It’s not hiding from D, just getting stuff done.
