March 11, 2012
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later….
I order food that I will barely touch, the Chinese man taking my order asks three times if I want it delivered. I assure him that I’ll be picking it up, because I have an errand to run. I take to rain slick streets and head to D’s.
My chest gets tight…very tight. Another anxiety attack trying to take hold. I had them often when I was still married to H. I know that this is more about all of this being too familiar, even if D doesn’t realize it.
Or maybe he does and he’s trying to drive me away.
I start hoping that he’s at the store or somewhere, anywhere, but his truck is there. I go to the front door and put the bag with the cat food under the overhang. I don’t even turn off the car. Then I step lively back to the car and drive away. Rain begins to patter down. I key in his house phone number…and leave a message.
Devil me looks disgusted, “You should send him a text in case he’s showering and he missed your message.” I say, “Good idea!” She snorts, “He’s pushing you away…again. I wonder if he’ll realize that he’s being an ass and talk to you on your next day off?”
I surprise her by saying, “I might just go to happy hour and not worry about seeing him at all.”
True to form, he doesn’t reply to the call or the text. When I check the social networking site, he’s not responded to the email there either.
I come home, eat, and do my taxes.
I will get a lot of work done if he decides that he’s not going to see me. It’s hard on me though. I was starting to get comfortable. I was starting to fall again. He had asked me what I was doing next weekend. What changed his mind this time? What the hell did I do or not do? That’s the worst…not knowing.
I suppose I’m still falling…only now I’m falling to the rocks below…shattered again….I’m too tired to think about it.
