March 9, 2012
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…and yet, too soon….
I left his house wondering where I stood. Was it time to walk away? Was I over-reacting? Was it worth the grief and anxiety? I sat at the traffic signal, tears welling up, shaking my head. Then the clouds cleared and my tears stopped rolling, because I remembered that I didn’t have to stay. That I could walk away and leave him behind. I drove home and slept like death.
The next day, I forgot my cell phone at home. I called H (from work) to let him know that I wasn’t connected and that any emergencies would have to handled by him. He screamed at me because he couldn’t handle the kids and he thought I was lying. I sighed, tried to calm him down, talked to our oldest child. Then had a particularly beastly day at work. I wondered if I should try to call D, but didn’t have time until later in the afternoon. Turns out he’d sent a few texts and had called me.
The texts started up again when I got home, but I told him that I was taking my kids, my dad and his wife out to dinner. He asked that I call him when I got home. He told me he missed me. Long strides took me to the opposite end of the house. I thought, “Maybe.” Angel me shook her head, “Leave it be tonight. He doesn’t need a phone call. Let him go hang with the fair weathers.” She’s right. I send a text, which goes unanswered. Near 9 pm I call and leave a message on his house phone, he doesn’t answer. I shrug. He’s out.
I don’t text on Thursday, but he starts fairly early. He wants me to work out some way to see him. Angel me scowls. I work all day, attend a mandatory class after work. It’s ridiculous. I set off for home in the rain. There are numerous accidents and it takes me 90 minutes to get home. I shower, the kids and I eat, I throw on clothes, but no makeup. I haven’t even shaved my legs. I can’t believe I am wasting my time. I text, “On my way.”
He calls back immediately. He’s glad I’m coming. He was afraid I wouldn’t come over. My eyes narrow, “Why?” The late hour.
When I arrive, he’s giddy and kisses me a half dozen times, until I giggle. He hops in the shower. He wants to cuddle for awhile, and we do….for 30 minutes.
He tells me that he was shopping for computer parts last night. He ended up buying a new laptop. I ask why he didn’t hang out with the fair weathers. He waves it away, “The group is shrinking. I think T is running people off. I don’t want to see those assholes every week.”
“I cleaned out my phone and put some photos of you in it,” he says, “I’ll show you..” I ask why he did that and he answers, “Because I like to look at you when I’m working. Besides, the guys I work with want to see who I’m dating. I think that they don’t believe me.” He chatters while I gaze into the dark. I didn’t think he gave a shit about the photos in his phone. I don’t ask what he did with them but he offers it up, “I transferred the cheesecake to the computer. The old photos of girlfriends and such I just deleted. No need to have shit like that coming back to haunt me even if they were tame.”
I wonder if he noticed the hurt in my eyes or if he just was afraid I’d leave. J thinks it’s more the latter.
I don’t know anymore…
Maybe he did it because he … cares….
