March 6, 2012
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Birthdays…
He texts me a few times today. I went over the night before for dinner, jacuzzi time, and just to hang out. It was a relaxing time…He talked about getting lobster to cook at home (for some reason he’s on that kick again…homebody time). He told me that he planned on taking his mom out for a lobster dinner at some swanky restaurant near the water for her birthday. It’s a wonderful idea. His mom will be pleased! They’ll have a great time. I ask if he’s taking his uncle too, but he says, “Not this time. I had him over for Christmas.”
He despises his mother and his uncle. They abused him when he was a child.
What can he do though? I understand. He can’t just abandon them. He is all they have left. It’s a cruel twist, but I’m grateful for an evening off.
He tells me that he’s taking mom out at 4:30 pm, then they’ll hang out, then he’ll call me. My oldest has an appointment at 6:15pm so I tell him that it’s fine.
He calls me at 7:45 pm. They’ve just gotten back from dinner. I breathe a huge sigh of relief and say, “Don’t feel like you need to rush because of me…” He replies, “I’m not! I haven’t spent any time with mom since the holidays, so I’m going to stay here for awhile.”
I consider that he’s probably calling from his mom’s kitchen (within view and earshot). I also consider that it may be guilt. His voice sounds a bit strained. I decide that I won’t be the one to save him tonight. He won’t die spending a little time with mom. She’s in her 80s; how long does he think he’ll have to take her out to dinner? I tell him to have a great time with mom. Then we say goodbye and hang up.
He didn’t have to call. It’s just like him to “check in” though. I never suggested that he had to check in, but he always does. I’ve never asked him about it. Maybe it was a requirement when he was seeing L. Maybe he does it because it’s me. J has always said that the rules are different with me. I laughed at that, but D has been consistent. He always calls.
Was he looking for an out? Was he just checking in to make certain that I wasn’t out with friends?
When I was at his place last night he mentioned my work again. He discusses it with his closest fair weathers. I can scarcely contain my major eye roll. What the fuck do they care? Apparently, they think it’s the coolest, most intriguing work in the world (I allow myself another eye roll since my back is to him). I shrug. He tells me that he wants to include realistic operating room scenes in the book he plans to write. I listen blandly, nodding when the bullshit gets knee deep.
In three years, I’ve never seen him read a book. I’ve never read any of his writing.
It all sounds like so much bullshit.
The fair weathers can barely find their car keys, so I hardly think they find my job mindboggling.
Angel me sits on my computer desk looking prim. We take time to talk.
“He’s playing you,” she says blandly. I nod, “I know. I’m smarter than this. Long silence….then, “Why do you stay?” “Because he said that he loves me….I know it sounds like bullshit,” I sound tired.
Angel me cocks her head and raises an eyebrow. I shrug and giggle because I feel a little crazy.
I relate that he tells me that he wants to travel, to go out to eat, to shop together. Hell, he’s even asked me to stay overnight on the weekends while he works day shift. I agree. I won’t sleep late though. I have moving to start. He’s got mixed feelings over that but I need to get settled. He’ll come around if he wants to. If he doesn’t then it’s time to move on.
I’ll be fine.
……
He shows me the new phone. He takes a playful photo while I flash him, then when he searches the galleries for it (I asked him to delete it since his colleagues and fair weathers look at his photos…I know…WTF?). He quips that he has to clean out his album, while hiding the screen. There are some photos that aren’t ripped from the internet.
Do I need to worry? Do I need to snoop? My heart sinks low. I can’t help but look sad, and he catches that. Joke or not, the damage is done. I feel pretty shitty. I’ll let it ride, but it’s just another reason why I shouldn’t love. Too many ghosts in his closets and his heart. No room for me, really.
Angel me holds me while tears well up in my eyes. Soothing. Soft voice, “You know that you really don’t mean that much to him. You never meant anything to anyone, honey. I’m sorry…”
It really pulls me apart….I know it’s really time to part ways. It’s just that I know it will be an easier break when I move. He really will be too lazy to see me. If I don’t have time, he’ll hang out with the fair weathers and be happy to masturbate over his porn.
I know I won’t have time. It will be good. I will make lots of overtime. I don’t need anyone. I don’t need anyone. I don’t need anyone. I don’t need anyone. I don’t need anyone. I don’t need anyone. I don’t need anyone. I don’t need anyone…
I don’t want to get into anyone’s love life. It’s all so exhausting
I don’t want to correct him. I don’t have the energy. Besides….I don’t give a shit. If that’s what you want, go for it. I’ll step aside.
He never wants that. I’m always his prize…..
