March 4, 2012
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…..tornado watch……
It turned out to be the leading edge of a front, but the wind picked up enough to threaten the orchids in the trees out front. Rain swirled and hammered from all sides, and I woke the kids for no other reason than it was time to get up. I told them we were under tornado watch (later discovered that it was true, much to my oldest child’s delight, because he loves the way we can read the weather). The temperature dropped significantly with a chilled breeze. March seemed to be coming in like a lion.
We don’t get much done. My youngest is going to be 13 in a few days, so we spent time cooking amazing foods and playing video and dice games together. I’ve managed to get some laundry done, but I haven’t roused my inner housekeeper.
We laugh and joke, eat and relax. My youngest tells me that coming to my house is like a vacation because they can relax here. They don’t laugh when they’re with their dad. They both plan on not going back once they turn 18. It used to bother me terribly when they would say that, because I wanted them to have a good relationship with their dad. Their dad has other ideas. He’s controlling and stubborn and alcoholic. The good man who I thought was there was simply an illusion. It was always smoke and mirrors. He was good to the people for reasons known only to him. He cut me to the core often, so he could keep me under his thumb. When it came down to being a parent, he was absent. I made excuses, and he was happy to wallow in them.
Now, the teenagers who are our children can speak of their history and their past. They could have told the judge that I was the one who spent the most time doing things with them. The zoo, the library, soccer, tae kwon do, the park, swimming lessons, camps, Cub Scouts, Boy Scouts, bicycling. I was the one who had mud fights with them in the backyard after a week of heavy rains. I was the one who took them camping. I was the one who took them to see fireworks. I was the one who read to them and who rocked them to sleep at night. I was the one who took them to carnivals and the fair, to nature centers and the beach. The judge waved it all away. Too stunned by my ex husband’s good looks, she gazed at him with undisguised lust. For me, only contempt. Still, I didn’t ask for more than the state allowed, so she was unable to deny me anything. Our custody was 50/50, no support, no alimony. He whined a little over that; he had entertained punishing me with paying him alimony.
The court washed their hands of it all. They didn’t want to see either of us again. Good riddance.
D felt like I made out like a bandit. I didn’t. But I didn’t get the shaft either, because I was smart and not greedy.
D was surprised when I told him that I only got 50% of the assets. There was a great deal there. H and I had been worth more than most people our age considering our jobs. I didn’t share that we would have had a great deal more had H not stood in my way as far as the real estate went. We could have been extremely comfortable, but he was stubbornly conservative to the point that it cost him money. His 401K worth only a quarter of what it should have been. I take my share and we will see what I can do to make it grow.
Independence is sexy in itself. D asked one time if I had 3 months worth of savings to carry me over, “Ideally, you should have 6 months, but just going through the divorce, you may need time to build up your accounts again.” I look at him blandly, which he mistakes for apathy. He delicately asks what my monthly expenses are. I figure the mental math, “Counting groceries and utilities?” He looks exasperated, “At least the damned mortgage.” I tell him I could get by on $2500 a month without cutting corners. He yelps in surprise, “That’s an awful lot of money! How much is your mortgage?” I’m calm, “It’s under $1100 but the taxes and insurance are included. The rest is a generous estimate for other bills. I’m sure I could live on less.” He looks at me in utter amazement, “You couldn’t possibly have $15000 in savings.” I shake my head. He begins to lecture me on budgeting, but I quietly interrupt, “I have enough to cover 10 months, and that’s only one account. That’s not counting the other accounts, the 401K, the stock, and my own ability to find work.” He sits back and stares. “And that is only my half,” I add primly, “Still think H is right to plead ‘poor mouth’?” Now he knows how much I’m worth financially, and there’s no fear that I’d come after him for a loan.
I’m in good shape for now. Hopefully, I’ll be in good shape for the long haul.
So the sweet emails continue and the sweet texts arrive regularly. D hasn’t lost his fear that I’ll dump him for someone new, for someone better, but that’s okay…He’ll stay on his toes. It’s fine.
The man who I went on a few dates with in November/December, the one who expected sex on the second date, hailed me in the chat box on the social networking site. He told me that he was trying to plan a trip to my part of the country; he wanted to see me. He would let me know when he would be down. He wanted to go on a cruise so I’d need to make arrangements for time off and to make sure that I didn’t have my kids. How arrogant! I decided that enough time had passed that I could break it off safely via chat. After all, he hadn’t been here in 3 months, and he expected me to barter time off and jettison my kids to go cruise with him? Never mind how utterly sleazy that would look to my kids for their mother to be heading off to the Bahamas with some guy who has only had 2 dates and those months ago. He has money. He makes great money, but he’s pretty selfish and arrogant. Still, I’m not cruel. I tell him that I’m seeing someone. He’s crushed. He gets a bit maudlin. Then he wishes me well. Sniffs around for some pity, before telling me he has to go.
His arrogance keeps him single. That’s all. That, and the fact that he wants a “trophy” on his arm. That’s flattering, but not at the price of losing time with my kids or jeopardizing my career. I’m too smart to fall for that dangling golden carrot, that reflection of the bone in the pond. I’m not greedy. At least D understands and happily grants me time with my kids, because he didn’t have a good mom. He finds it intriguing that I can juggle the job, the kids and him without losing my mind.
I find it intriguing too.
