Sunday, 08 April 2012

• it calls to me...

  I get a call from A.  He needs his sander back, and it's sitting at my house.  He asked for it a month ago.  I tell him that I'm heading over to pick up mail today.  I'll grab the sander and drop it off at his place. 

  I call J and talk to him all the way to my house.  It's a 30 minute drive from the place I'm staying at now.  I pull up, grab the mail and the newspapers (puzzling since I cancelled the subscription).  I scrutinize the yard, which needs attention. 

  My yard. 

  I unlock the door and walk inside.  The house feels different.  I walk around from room to room.  I'm trying to put my finger on this new feeling.  What can it be?  I look around.  Angel me stands in the doorway, smiling.  Devil me walks into the kitchen, turns and leans against the refrigerator. 

  "I need to live here.  It's my house.  I need to move in and live here," I announce it to the empty space.  It echos a little, but it occurs to me that my house will be my sanctuary.  I will be able to relax here.  It will be good. 

  D doesn't cross my mind at all.

  When I leave, I head for A's house.  I meet his mom.  He's living with her since he lost his job over a year ago.  She's nice, down to earth.  We are nurses, so we have a common bond.  She's German.  I'm German American among other things, so there's a comfort level there.  I hang out with A, his neighbor, F.  I pet all the pit bulls. 

  Then I head to the grocery store. It's full of bratty kids and fat people speaking Spanish.  I shop silently, purposefully.  I head out through the parking lot.  I feel tired, hungry, small and alone. 

  For the first time, I understand that I will feel better when I'm living in my own house.  I tell Devil me, "D will leave me alone then, because I'll be far away.  I will build a nice porch, have fill brought in for the yard.  I'll even water and seed it so that my yard will be nice."  She listens nodding.  Who will visit?  Neighbors.  My friends who live out that way.  C may come over.  I want to have a fire-pit out back.  I have friends who want to visit from out of state.  A few have never met me, but we're fast friends on the internet. 

  J scoffs when I talk to him.  He thinks D is going to wait until his sister has left to try to contact me.  I shrug.  Who cares?  I'm certain that I'll live too far away once I move.  J isn't convinced.

  Angel me isn't convinced either, "On some levels he knows that you treat him better than his friends.  He hides behind his whole asshole facade, but he can't be cool about how he feels about you.  I'm willing to bet that he's very upset that you frequently meet J for drinks.  He's working.  If he's going out, he's warned his friends not to mention his presence in their posts."  J doesn't think he's going out with friends.  He gets too upset with them.  He can't hang out with anyone for long. 

  I'm too tired to deal with any of this...

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